This morning was tough. My anger got the better of me, today this strong emotion erupted like a volcano. I am pretty sure that this was witnessed by other parents at the school who offered me support and love. Karl has been taking the kids to school most mornings since the end of last year. He drops them off and heads off to work. I pick them up and then take them to after-school activities and be the ever-present and loving mum, but here’s the honest truth. I loathe school mornings. Flynn is amazing, the easiest child, dressed and ready by the door every morning and eager and willing to go to school. Seren despite her airy-fairy ways and lateness, is always eager to go to school. Often she is not dressed properly and hasn’t had her breakfast, but I’ve learned to make peace with this. Having a child with ADHD comes with these challenges and the absent shoes, messy hair and happy-go-lucky “OMG is it time for school attitude”, I made peace with ages ago. This now it something that (mostly) doesn’t trigger me.
So why do I struggle with mornings you may wonder?
The answer lies within my little seven year old, Daisy, who is pretty much allergic to school! She has been like this since the age of 5, and almost 3 years down the track it’s as challenging as ever. Nearly every day there are tears, shouting, crying, hiding, screaming “I am not going to school”. I watch as Karl calmly puts her in the car as she kicks and screams at him, and I keep myself grounded and don’t enter the craziness. Today there was no escape as Karl left the house at 7am so there was no where that I could hide. The broken foot, the wheelchair and the rain seemed to make the situation seem even more confronting. Even being flashed by a police man (as I tried to warn another driver that there was speeding police around), made me see that even here there is a lesson.
You have to work on yourself, before you are able to hold space for others was a BIG lesson for me today. I have been avoiding the uncomfortableness of facing up to the difficulties of the mornings with Daisy. I needed to work with her, be present, be more focused on her needs and support, instead of turning a blind eye and ‘hoping’ that this situation would heal itself. I had been taking the easy way out, letting Karl take over the school run as it was here that I wouldn’t have to feel my anger and my emotions. The conditioning that we have been subject to for so long was so prevalent inside of me, desperately trying to rear its ugly head. “Be more firm”, “show them who is boss”, “they need to toughen up’, “this behaviour stops here’, I found myself saying that either out loud or within. This how so many of us were raised and this is why so many adults are now walking around with huge pain bodies. We haven’t been acknowledged, supported, loved and held – we have been sent out into the wilderness broken and hurting, and our emotions and actions have felt foolish and wrong.
So thank you universe for the lesson today. Thank you Daisy for helping me see that I cannot run from the uncomfortableness of life as it is here that I will find peace. I will learn to be more organised. I will spend time with you in the mornings instead of letting my unfocused mind focus on the things that aren’t important. I will love and honour and guide you through this. We will do this together. Mothers know what to do, the answer lies in our hearts. The answer lies in our children. Anxiety in children is more prevalent than ever, but it’s so important that we don’t let society and fear run the show. We go within, we see that our children are our biggest teachers and that only when I work on me, will Daisy heal. Her anxiety is simply a mirror of my anxiety of school mornings. Her shouting and crying is simply mirroring my anger and upset of the mornings that I so desperately want to ‘control’. I need to make friends with the chaos, and the unstructured mess that children bring to our mornings. I need to go within, work on me and then my beautiful daughter will heal.
Tomorrow I will go into the lessons that I have been avoiding. I will take the kids to school and dance and laugh with the craziness. I will work on me, not my child and then the universe will conspire to heal our little Daisy. I will choose love over and over again.
Love & light,